Thursday, March 12, 2009

Honor One Another Above Yourself

I did not picture my life this way. I thought I'd have plenty of time with the girls gone to pursue my own passions. I'd have time after school to quilt or read or have coffee with a friend. My life changed so suddenly and so severely in an instant last October that I have been reeling ever since. My therapist asked "How are you?" and I replied "Thrashed." Then she said "It must be like having a toddler again." With this statement she earned my undying love because I knew she she understood EXACTLY. In caring for someone who can't care for himself, my mind is always preoccupied with what he is doing, and how he is feeling. Is he fed? Sleeping OK? Sick? Happy? In trouble? My mind is consumed by this other person. He occupies every thought. I can't leave him alone, andI  need to make complex arrangements to do simple things like have dinner out. It takes a  long time when I go anywhere because he has so much stuff with him, and he walks so slowly. As I unhooked Dad's seatbelt for him, and helped him out, I had flashbacks to getting the girls out of their carseats. Both my dad and a toddler want to be independent. They say "I can do it!" when they really can't. They make messes they can't clean up themselves. All of this would be completely unbearable if not for the precious moments. My heart melted when the girls would say "I love you, Mommy." And it does the same when Dad says "You are my one joy in life." There's something wonderful about being pulled kicking and screaming out of my own self-centeredness to care for another person and live my life for him. I know it's taking the sharp edges off me, and making me kinder and more loving. It's no fun most of the time. I want him  to be well and independent and out of pain. I want to lay on my bed and drink tea and surf the Internet. But this has made me realize that life is short, and is to be lived for others, not for ourselves. 

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