Saturday, February 2, 2008

In which I wallow in my self-pity

A student’s mom wrote me a sympathy card containing some Bible verses she thought would be comforting. It was very sweet, and I appreciate the card very much. The card led to a new understanding about my sadness. The verses were all about the afterlife. How Jesus will take away the pain of death, and how He is preparing us a place in Heaven. I realized I already knew all this. I believe it firmly. I have no doubts that Mom is in Heaven, where there is no more sickness, or injustice, or poverty, or evil. I know she’s in a better place. That is not what I’m sad about. What I’m sad about is that for ME, right now, she is gone. I’m self-centered, and full of self-pity. She’s happy, but I’m not. My life is like a puzzle that has been dumped out. I’ve lost much of my family of origin, and I don’t know what life will be like in the future. I’m trying to put the pieces back together, but I don’t have a picture of what the completed puzzle is supposed to look like! I don’t know if the pieces are all there to put it back together. I don’t have the energy to work it out. And I feel like a two year old who can’t have what she wants. And so I cry. Not for Mom. For myself.

1 comment:

Claudia said...

To my mind, one of the meanest things you can say to a person who is grieving is "she's in a better place." When my mother died 10 years ago, and I heard this platitude from a couple of cousins (who obviously didn't know that my mother had been enjoying increasing good health after years of illness), I got so angry. I didn't WANT her in a better place, I wanted her here, with me.
I'm Claudia, Laurie's friend. Feel free to ask her for my email address, if you like. I'm grieving, too - my brother died in November (Monday after Thanksgiving), and his 17-year old son Jason has been living with us since Sept. 06. My husband is increasingly disabled, and my daughter is in Spain until Easter. Our grief is different, but we can still walk together.
Peace - Claudia